What is Skymall?

Skymall is a mail-order catalog that allows you to buy ceramic deer, UV toothbrushes and 100% Turkish Cotton Slippers at 40,000 feet. In other words, it's a catalog of bizarre luxury items I've only ever seen offered on airplanes.

As someone who started flying at very young age, Skymall was just an entity that existed, and every flight caused fresh bewilderment as I leafed through the glossy pages of the catalog to stave off boredom. Every page just inspired the same questions, over and over:

Why were these things made?

Who buys them?

How on earth was this company surviving?

There are legitimate artists out there who can't scrape together a living, and yet Skymall has been around since the early 90s, and somehow is able to justify the costs of mass-producing giant terrifying tree statues and creepy plaster cherubs...and be successful enough to distribute full-color glossy catalogs on every major airline I've ever flown on. 

How many people are buying hideous tree statues and UV-ear-hair-trimmers that it justifies mass-producing them? It boggles the mind. Anyway, without further ado, I give you Skymall Magic.

Today's adventure will be a voyage into the world of garden statuary. Our topic? Resin giraffes. Yes, Skymall has enough unique resin giraffe products available that I feel justified in calling this a "voyage".

Skymall clearly understands the fact that consumers today may not have the endless funds of the early 90s, and so they make sure there is a giant resin garden giraffe available for all budgets. We start with the economy option:

Gerard is only $103.95. He's for all the people who really want a "slender necked" ornament in their garden, but can't afford - or don't have room! - for some of the other giraffes Skymall offers.

Gigi is for the middle class giraffe collector, who can afford better, but isn't ready to commit to a luxury giraffe product.

Is it just me, or does 3 1/2 feet seem awfully short for a giraffe, and for spying? I suppose Gigi can only spy on people who have waist-high fences...but then again, so can you. So Gigi's not really seeing anything special.

Also, if your imagination is good enough that an undersized resin statue of a giraffe in your own garden can make you believe you're on safari, why do you need the resin statue?

Holy shit, for $1074 you can own your very own 8-foot tall 92 lbs realistic resin giraffe! I'm sure that nobody who has bought this has ever felt even the slightest hint of buyer's remorse.

Also 8 foot tall is still considerably shorter than a real giraffe.

I like the photograph because it feels like having a kid stand under your new resin giraffe with binoculars is just the recommended usage of the statue. Does it come with a child? Do you have to bring your own? The yellow shirt nicely matches the giraffe, is this all part of the installation package?

Also...for ornamental use only? This puts a horrifying new spin on the child in the photo.  What else could you possibly use the 8-foot tall resin giraffe statue for aside from an ornament?

Wait. What's that in the recommended products section...

What.

$2099.
Two thousand ninety-nine dollars

Also you have to take it indoors during freezing weather. It has to migrate in the winter.

........I'm going to be at this forever.

Welcome to Skymall is Magic.